Okay, I am finally going to admit it: I suffer from the heartbreak of “Ugly Beach Feet.” Now that I have said it, it’s like having a 10-ton weight lifted off my soul.
I never knew I had this horrendous condition until just recently, when I saw a television commercial for some sort of toe improvement medication, guaranteed to have the ladies ogling your tootsies in no time. At first I was skeptical because the deformed gentleman in the ad definitely looked worse than me – for now. (The ad also assured me that I would no doubt look as bad as him very soon.) I believed them, but I am not sure why.
I wonder why nobody ever told me before. I suppose they were trying to spare my feelings. Maybe they knew that the stigma of Ugly Beach Feet (heretofore known as “UBF”) would probably cause me to wear tall boots at the shore to hide my disgrace – or worse – maybe I would never leave my house for fear of accidental toe-flashing. The sheer horror!
I tried coming up with all sorts of remedies, solutions, and plans regarding how I could possibly hide my shame: closed-toe sandals, flesh-colored socks, hiding my feet under the blanket or burying them in the sand? It was no use. These would only draw more attention to me; and I would no doubt have my affliction uncovered after that.
I think I will tough it out a little longer. No one has laughed at me – yet. I’ll take my chances of being discovered. I guess it’s better to take the risk if it means enjoying life. After they find out about my hideous horror, I will have to learn to deal with the shame – just like I deal with everything else.
I will say one thing, though: I am certainly glad that I turned off the television before it let me know about all the things that are wrong with me and all the other problems I never knew I had.
Unplug, enjoy, and take off your socks! Be free!