Fries 1Did you ever get the feeling that the whole world was watching you?  I get that all the time – that’s why I’m writing this from under my covers.  SHHH!  Don’t tell anyone.

Paranoid?  Who, me?  Who said that?

Anyhow, today’s discussion centers around a sinister plot I uncovered; one that is being carried out by fast food joints across the nation – maybe even the globe.  Beware!  These people are out to embarrass us!

Don’t believe me?  Well this is your lucky day, because I have proof.  I have been taking notes, doing research, and now you get to read it.  Aren’t you lucky?

Camera 1   Fast Food 2






The first thing you will notice is that there is a camera watching you as soon as you approach a fast food establishment.  Why is this?  This is so the people inside can “size you up” before you even get in the door.  If they think you are a good candidate for embarrassment, they will alert the team of multi-media experts to start making a YouTube video of you.

Camera 2    Camera 3

If you manage to get inside, the next thing you will see are these cameras.  There is the “evil eye” (left) and the “daddy long shot” (right.)  These are designed to follow you wherever you go so they won’t miss a thing.  The long shot camera then zooms in on your face whenever the embarrassment is at its maximum.

And what’s all the embarrassment about in the first place? Am I having a bad hair day?  Is my fly open?  No – it’s all about THE MENU! (If I could insert sound, I would put a sinister-sounding “dum, dum dum” right there.)

That’s right, girls and boys, the names of the food on the menu are designed to bring shame to whomever speaks them.  They are created by high-priced writers who have studied human psychology and shame factor.  They put all the data from their research into a computer and come up with the most embarrassing syllables a human can ever speak.

Still doubt me – I have more evidence! (Real names changed due to pending lawsuits.)

Fast Food 1 I recently visited an establishment that featured a “fantasy menu.” The food was mouthwatering, but as I placed my order, the waitress started chuckling. She could hardly stifle her laughs as I asked for: a Bilbo Burger, Gandalf Gulpee, Frodo Fries, and a side order of Lord of the Onion Rings.

At a local coffee drive-through, I was torn between a Dumble Donut or a Malfoy Muffin.  When I tried to place my order over the speaker, I could hear laughs coming from inside the place.  I sped off as fast as I could.

There is no escape.  The shame is everywhere.  Seafood restaurants offer King Neptune’s Num Nums and Landlubber Beef Blubber Burgers.  Kidde places have Goo Goo Gobblers and Tummy Yummy Pies. It’s a devious plot and it’s all designed to get me – oops, I mean it’s designed to get us.

Now comes the hard part: once I hit the button and press “publish,” I will expose these diabolical people to the world.  But what if they find out it was me who did it?  I better press publish and hide for a long time.  Someone please let me know when it’s safe to come out.

Paranoid?  Who, me?  Who said that?

About Joe

Freelance designer and writer whose goal is to help others by writing about my experiences with fear and anxiety (agoraphobia), health struggles (cancer) and my wonderfully-happy life as a husband and stay-at-home dad. I want to empower everyone to have a happy life.

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