Here is a parody of Edgar Allan Poe’s famous poem, “The Raven,” in which I have substituted a Raisin Danish in place of the evil, black bird. I wrote this to poke fun at my struggles with my expanding waistline, and to illustrate the temptations we face every day at the hands of those alluring, luscious, hot, aromatic pastries – is anybody hungry?
My apologies to Mr. Poe, the pastry industry, the United Sates Raisin Council, and to you for making you read this. (There – I am off the hook now.) Enjoy!
The Raisin (Danish)
Once upon a midnight munchy, while I pondered crisp and crunchy,
All the snacks my tummy does adore,
While I nodded, nearly dozing, came a feeling quite imposing,
Hollow pangs of hunger haunting, taunting at my belly floor,
`’Tis an urge’ I muttered, taunting at my belly floor-
Only cravings, nothing more.’
Ah, distinctly I remember that evil pastry family member,
Brought to life each dying ember ‘til I wanted more.
Eagerly I begged assistance as my vanishing resistance,
From my pantry, calling as the fragrance did implore,
For the fancy – not the plainish – frosted, flaky Raisin Danish,
Nameless here for evermore.
In my belly bits were landing, as my waistline was expanding,
Faster than it ever had before.
Though I tried to resist it, ‘twas futile as my arm was twisted,
Twisted by the evil tartlet, clogging up my veins and heartlet,
Booting hearty health right out the door.
Mused the Raisin, ‘Tea at four.’
Nummy nums I’m ever-noshing; shirtly stains I will be washing, and my scale is oh-my-goshing,
Shackled was I to the chewy chore.
Slathered sweet in glucose globules, deposited as lipid lobules,
Five, six, seven, eight, and more.
From the box, more did I pull, as my tummy wasn’t full.
Quoth the Raisin, ‘Have some more.’
My wife, I thus did not amuse her, booked me on ‘The Biggest Loser’
Where my shame was flaunted even more.
As my cycle’s wheels were churning, calories I would be burning,
Trying to get down to two-o-four.
But those veggies I dislike, so I stayed upon my bike,
Cried the Raisin ‘There’s lots more!’
Always knowing I could do it, I sweated off the dreaded fluid,
As the frantic Danish loomed to lure.
Lean and lanky as a comet, after exercise and vomit,
My skinny pants now I could zip, raise them past my portly hips,
Thumbed my nose at the Raisin Danish, never more to feel his pain-ish,
And his curse is lifted evermore!