Suffering from the holiday blues? Bored? Feeling lost? Well, you can relax, because I am here to put some “whoa!” into your “ho, ho, hum.” Here are some brand new holiday traditions which I am sure will be catching on very soon. You heard it first here.
If you are sick and tired of getting only a few stocking stuffers every year, I have the solution to your problem: fireplace pants. Instead of hanging up a few, dinky stockings, why not hang a pair of pants? Pants can hold way more goodies than a stocking. Why not give it a try – soon you will be cashing in “big time!” (Note: make sure to sew up the bottoms, so everything doesn’t wind on the floor or in the fireplace.)
Confused about what a “nog” is? Afraid to gulp that stuff down? Well, the good news is that you don’t have to. Simply pour the thick liquid into a log-shaped mold, place it in the freezer for a day, and you will have a handy, versatile holiday accessory. Egg log slices can be served as dessert, used as a puck in a pickup hockey games, or thrown at the neighbor’s dogs when they stray on your lawn. Never again will you be forced to ingest them and wonder if you will have to have your stomach pumped.
Fish Stick Tree
Have you ever awaken hungry on Christmas morning, but were too excited to take the time out to make breakfast? Are you tired of those shiny glass bulbs, that look good but are no fun to eat? Then why not try decorating your tree with fish sticks? Fish sticks are full of protein – and who couldn’t use a quick boost of energy from time to time? Fish sticks have a fairly long shelf life if you can stand the smell (this will be lessened if you have a real pine tree). So grab one off the tree, dip it in tartar sauce, and enjoy the holiday season.
Hot Cocoa Shoes
If your tootsies tend to get chilly, you can remedy that by wearing hot cocoa shoes. A combination footwear and thermos, hot cocoa shoes circulate the sweet drink in your boots via a battery-powered hydraulic system. Thirsty? Simply attach the sipping hose and slurp some down while enjoying a stroll through snow-covered fields. Sizes range from small to large to extra chocolaty.
Slim Jim Canes
Not a big fan of peppermint? Then why not switch to these meaty holiday treats! Slim Jim canes featured cured and spiced grade A beef, artistically crafted into a cane shape for your holiday enjoyment. Tired of waiting on those long lines at the mall without access to meat? Then pop a couple of these babies into your back pocket and whip them out whenever the pangs of hunger come your way. Also available in jalapeno and barbecue flavors.
If you are tired of having to say goodbye to “Frosty” every spring, then why not build him out of cheese? Cheese never goes bad – it gets better with age – and it also gives everyone in your neighborhood quick access to outdoor snacking pleasure. Plant a cheese man on your front lawn and you will be the talk of the town. Everyone will love you: young and old, human and non-human. Plus, you can pick up some quick cash by opening a crackers concession on the side.
Can’t get enough of the popular Christmas tradition of mistletoe kissing? You’re not alone. Gone are the days when you have to stand under an archway and wait for a pretty girl (or guy) to come your way. Now, you can bring the fun to them! Don one of these hats and you will be the hit of the party! (Also available at additional cost is a list of bail bondsmen and personal assault attorneys in your area). Let the puckering begin!
HO HO HO!