I give up. I have met match. It is time to hang my head in shame. I have been beaten into submission by a walnut.
The Back Story
I had just seen a news story on TV in which the walnut was touted as “the world’s healthiest food,” as they are high in magnesium, vitamin B-6, and iron. A skinny, healthy-looking guy said “Eat walnuts and live to be 100.” Wow! That sounded pretty good at the time – the thing is, he never said how difficult (and dangerous) trying to eat them can be.
The news story ended, I looked into my dining room, and what did I see? A bowl of walnuts just waiting to be eaten. Was this luck? Fate? The universe talking to me? If so, I wish that it would just shut up for a while.
I grabbed the bowl, and decided to add a few years to my lifespan. Little did I know that I would be taking a few off.
The first thing I noticed was that you can’t just shove a bunch of walnuts into your mouth unless you are some sort of freak of nature with an unusually large mouth and a bite like a bear trap. An average person like me needs tools to open a walnut.
This doesn’t seem quite fair, because what do you do if you are hungry and don’t have tools at your disposal? Are you supposed to run right out and buy them on an empty stomach? Luckily, we did have a few tools on hand: a simple nutcracker and a device used to pick out the nut meats after the shell has been cracked open. Unfortunately, these did not work.
The Plot Thickens
Now I don’t claim to be a Hercules by any stretch of the imagination, but when it comes to cracking nuts I usually have what it takes – until I met up with “The Walnut from Hell.” I don’t know how he got into the bowl, but there he was, a walnut whose shell must have been reinforced with steel. I tried cracking him open with the nutcracker to no avail. I tried one hand, then two. I shifted him around to get a better grip, looking for the seam in his shell. Nothing worked. Again and again I tried, grunting and groaning as I went along. I swear I heard someone inside the shell laughing at me, taunting me, as if to say “Feeble human, you will never take me down.”
I Got Better Tools
I went into my basement and got better tools. I would not be defeated by a nut!
A ball peen hammer just glided off his shell, not even denting him. A router saw barely scratched him. Finally, I became desperate. I duct taped him to the kitchen counter, took a sledge hammer, and took a swing at him like Babe Ruth launching a ball into the bleachers: he cracked open!
The problem is that I had done such a good job, all that I had left was walnut powder and tiny bits of what used to be a tasty, nutritious snack. Frustrated, I shoved a few M&M’s into my mouth and called it a day.
But I am not done – of course not. I can’t let anything go. I plan to lodge an official protest with the Nut Council. I want walnuts taken off the list. I don’t think they are nuts at all. Just think about it: almost every other nut can easily be cracked open by hand or with a simple nutcracker. Some, like peanuts, you can even eat the shells (told you I was lazy.) But not walnuts. They are other-worldly and devious, and even if you do succeed in cracking them open, there’s never anything left to eat.
That does it. I am done with these guys and I want them “out” before it’s too late. Who’s with me?
Beware the Walnut from Hell – save yourself before it’s too late!