Now that the holidays are over, it’s time to get down to important things:animal parties. Why not? Animals deserve to have just as much fun as humans. It’s only fair. Look at what they have to put up with all year long:US!
Today we throw our first animal party of the year, and the lucky recipient is SQUIRRELS! That being said, the remainder of this blog entry will be devoted to one of a squirrel’s favorite things: NUTS. The list I have assembled is a list of the top, most favorite, and biggest nuts of all time (legumes and tree-bearing nuts included). See how many of your favorite nuts made the list.
All-time Top Nuts
14. Pine Nuts
Pine nuts are the edible seeds of pines (family Pinaceae, genus Pinus). They can be harvested from a large variety of pines, found mostly in Asia and North America and sold at local supermarkets with a large specialty foods section. This, however, is very frustrating to squirrels who love them because they tend to be very expensive and cumbersome to tote around in large bags.
13. Macadamia Nuts
I don’t know much about these nuts, except that airlines flying to and from Hawaii like to give them out to their passengers. I once saw Chin Ho munching on them before Steve McGarrett told Dan-o to “book ‘em.” I ate some once when I mistook them for chick peas (not on this list) and they tasted pretty good. I have a hunch squirrels would agree.
Say what you will about these nuts, if it says “nuts” in the name, it is eligible for the list. Coconuts deserve to be here because of their versatility. They make tasty pies and candy, and they helped the cast of Gilligan’s Island survive for three years on that Island.
That being said, I have also included the seven castaways on this list as well, because they also deserve it. The whole show never made sense. Think about it. Why would millionaires take a trip on a dinky boat when they had their own yacht? And why would they carry luggage and suitcases filled with money with them? Why was it that the Howells and Ginger had changes of clothes while all the rest had to wear the same clothes (which never wore out) for 3 years? And why didn’t the professor (my favorite, of course. See above: Russell Johnson who passed away this week) use his energy to repair the boat instead of building bamboo cars and a working washing machine? Talk about nuts! (And to answer the age-old question: Mary Anne.)
These tasty treats are native to south-central North America and can be found in the Danish, the Sandy and the pie. The word “pecan” is of Algonquin original, and it means “a nut requiring a stone to crack.” This is not very creative, but I didn’t have any jokes about it, so I told the truth this time. Pecans are from the hickory family, as is this next guy:
Somewhat of a bully and a heavy partier, Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson was a wealthy slave owner from Tennessee who fought duels, killing several people in the process. His penchant for gun play and aggressive behavior resulted in him running unopposed for office more times than not.
The seventh president of The United States, Jackson was credited with first saying the word “duck!” when brandishing a firearm, so that if anyone asked, he could always say he was hunting (I think Dick Cheney took his cue from Andrew Jackson). Fortunately for Jackson, no one knew what “duck” meant, so his bullets usually hit their mark. Jackson was also the first U.S. president to pistol-whip a member of Congress (something which has recently been proposed again) and to plead the Fifth Amendment when asked why.
9. Three-Eighths of an Inch
America’s best-selling hardware store nut, the three-eights of an inch is a staple for everyone from construction workers to do-it-yourselfers. It gained widespread use in 1939 when Hollywood filmmakers used it to solve a wardrobe malfunction issue in “The Wizard of Oz,.” as the Tin Man’s pants kept falling down. Today they can be found on bolts virtually everywhere.
Walnuts are rounded, single-seeded stone fruits of the walnut tree – but everybody knows that. What everybody doesn’t know is that their history is interlaced with the history of warfare. In Biblical times, walnuts were transported by marauding armies and used as slingshot fodder when rocks were not handy. Since they could also be eaten, soldiers didn’t mind hauling them around. It beat eating rocks.
Today, walnuts are being hoarded by squirrels and fashioned into sturdy helmets to be used in The Great Squirrel Uprising scheduled to take place in June of 2014. Be sure to stay inside that month.
7. Femke Agena
Dutch “fashion” designer whose clothing looks like something you dream about after eating a bad taco right before bedtime, Femke Agena has set the fashion world on its ear with her philosophy that “Truly good fashion makes people point and laugh.” The “Party Dress” (as seen on the left) was part of her 2013 Spring Collection and made entirely of stuffed animals. I didn’t have the nerve to post photos of what the model wears underneath, as this is only a PG blog, and that would be morally wrong. So I save them for a special folder in My Documents – shhh! Don’t tell anyone.
The almond is yet another nut that is found on trees, making it easier for squirrels to find. Native to the Middle East and South Asia, almonds were so delicious that word of mouth created a demand for them worldwide. Today they can be found primarily in “Joys” and stuck between my teeth.
5. The Person (or Persons) Who Invented the Tattoo
The origin of the tattoo has been debated over the years. Previous beliefs were that they began in the Pacific Islands as a means of signifying rank or position in the community. Other scholars believe that they may have been a method of recording maps on the bodies of nomadic tribes people. And like anything that once had a purpose, modern man has turned them into an absurdity. Seriously, does anyone think the people above look good. Pawn to king two.
Once an expensive delicacy that was primarily grown in the Middle East, pistachios are now raised in parts of the American Southwest (even though that didn’t bring the price down).
We all know that Psy cracks them “Gangham Style.” but here are a few interesting facts about pistachios: some companies decided that they should be dyed red for no apparent reason. The color did nothing to add to their taste – all it did was leave your fingertips red after eating them. It took days to get the color off. When I was young, I used to buy small boxes of Zenobia pistachio nuts – if I had enough money – or put a nickel in a vending machine for a handful (similar to buying bubble gum and probably equally unsanitary).
3. The Nutty Professor
My second favorite Jerry Lewis movie (“Rock-A-Bye Baby” is my favorite), 1963’s “The Nutty Professor” is a parody of “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” in which Julius Kelp, a mild-mannered college chemistry teacher, mixes up a strange concoction of chemicals to give him the courage to pursue one of his students (Stella Stevens – a good idea back then, but now it could get you in real trouble.)
This “nerd on drugs” film is sort of a combination of “The Big Bang Theory” and “Breaking Bad,” and goes to show you what performance-enhancing drugs will do. It features some of Jerry’s best dancing moves. I could do them for you, but the last time I did, I got arrested.
2. The Cashew
Like a lot of other nuts, the cashew is actually a seed. Its distinction is that it is the only nut that sound like a sneeze when you say it.
Cashews really don’t taste that much better than other nuts – it just seems that way because they are harder to find. When you open a can of mixed nuts, they are always the first to go. This scarcity creates demand, and demand tricks the mind into doing things it wouldn’t normally do (see: Cabbage Patch Kids for an example).
Cashews also taste great on chicken and in salads. That is if you can find any. Be prepared to dish out big bucks for these babies unless you want to settle for cashew pieces, which cost a bit less.
And the number one nut is….
Go ahead, say that I’m wrong – I dare you!
Who could ever say anything bad about Charlie Brown and his pals? Certainly not me. The humor is simple, yet sophisticated. It’s easy to relate to, and it has the all-time best cartoon dog, “Snoopy” (a.k.a “Joe Cool”) who sits on my desk and stares at me every day.
Peanuts? The best? You betcha!*
(*Please note that this is a personal opinion, and the editor reserves his right to be wrong in just about everything he does, especially if he avoids litigation – enjoy.)