Agoraphobic Olympics

Let the Pigeons Loose!

The Olympic games are once again upon us. This celebration of physical prowess and athletic brilliance brings together young people from all over the world to compete in a peaceful and friendly manner – except of course when the media plasters the medal count standings all over the place, and we get angry because a communist country is ahead of us, and the judges then seem biased and we wind up hoping that our hockey team pounds the daylights out of theirs – but of course this never happens. We abandon our nationalist bigotries in favor of pure sport and marvel at the abilities of our heroes, who are now busy lining up sponsors for product endorsement.

But What About Us Average Slobs?

Now that the 2014 Olympics are right around the corner, I thought it to be a good idea to talk about my own Olympics: the events in which I compete every day (or thereabouts). Look at what a fun life I have:

The Bobhead – This is what happens when you are too shy to look someone in the eyes. Your head keeps looking at the floor, while your brain keeps telling you to look up. After a while, this mental hand to hand combat has you looking like a bobble head doll in an earthquake.

The Loogie – This is what is stuck in your throat every time you try to speak. It is particularly annoying when in a job interview or trying to impress a member of the opposite sex.

The Long Jump – Going anyplace more than 100 feet from home.

Weight Lifting – Getting out of bed to face another day

The Die-athalon – The feeling that you are going to pass away – or worse if that is possible – simply because you are at a stranger’s house and they want to serve you meat you never heard of.

The 100-Meter Panic – A walk around your neighborhood. It is usually accompanied by stares and people gathering their kids and bringing them inside.

Synchronized Shrieking – This occurs when you meet another agoraphobic.

Speed Sweating – Known to others as “dating.”

The Heart Jump – This happens every time you see another person, animal, or inanimate object.

Giant Slalom – Weaving your way through a crowded city in the desperate hunt for a bathroom.

Curling – Sitting in a ball on the floor in the corner of the room, sometimes underneath a blanket. Not to be confused with “curdling,” which is what the contents of your stomach do at any given moment in time.

Tensing – The knot in your stomach that accompanies breathing. This is how you know you are alive.

Panic Combined – This event takes two things which are difficult to do and combines them into one heart-pounding panic attack. It doesn’t matter what two. The results are always the same.

The Downhill – The term we use for “life” in general.

Alpine Scaring – Any life event that makes you feel like you are on top of a mountain and cannot breathe because of lack of oxygen.

Indigestrian events – Events which involve the consumption of food. These events immediately precede “Hurling.”

Short Track – When you realize that you are shrinking and that your ever-expanding belly is getting closer to the ground each and every day.

Floor Exercises – Deciding whether or not to pick up the dime you just dropped. This decision often hinges on your confidence (or lack thereof) that your pants will not rip.

Freestyle Tumbling – The awkward way in which you enter a room.

So sit back, tear open a fresh bag of Fritos (I’m not getting paid to say this – yet), and let’s enjoy the best the world has to offer in the name of sisterhood/brotherhood, excellence and peace. And let’s try not to root too hard for our local athletes (yeah, sure, I don’t believe that either.)


About Joe

Freelance designer and writer whose goal is to help others by writing about my experiences with fear and anxiety (agoraphobia), health struggles (cancer) and my wonderfully-happy life as a husband and stay-at-home dad. I want to empower everyone to have a happy life.

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