A light bulb just lit up over my head: I need to lose weight. Nobody said so – not to my face (yet). People tend to be very polite and reluctant to blurt out such statements. Besides, most folks are in the same boat, so they probably are afraid that if they point it out, someone will do the same to them. I think this is either called “denial” or “mass delusional hypnosis.”
I’m not sure why it took me so long to realize that I need to shed a few layers. But I have a couple of theories (you should have seen that coming). Now is the time to leave if you have the chance.
Signs were all over the place, but I blocked them out. My clothes started becoming tight. I blamed this on my washing machine, claiming that the hot water was too hot and had shrunk everything down. That excuse only goes so far. Once a bathrobe becomes tight, you need to look for a different excuse. I also noticed that my car had been sitting a little too low and much closer to the road than usual, and faulty shock absorbers were not the problem. Once you hear scraping sounds and see sparks under the car after you accelerate, that should be a clue that something is wrong.
What NOT To Do
Losing weight is not easy. I am not sure how successful I will be. A friend of mine recently pointed out that “We overeat nonstop from Halloween to the Super Bowl.” She pretty much nailed it, except that we need to throw “birthdays” in there, too. Someone is always having a birthday party. Face it, we Americans know how to party. That being said, we should not relate food with fun. I know – that is a tough one.
Another thing to avoid is asking family members what they think. Most of them will say that you look fine and ask you if you want another slice of pie.
For goodness sake, don’t buy bigger clothes as a “temporary” solution until you can fit into the old clothes. This is like buying a house with bigger closets: in no time they, too will be full, just like your pants.
The best thing to do is to try and change your lifestyle into something that is comfortable for you. It makes no sense to say “I will never eat chocolate again,” or something equally ridiculous. I can’t do that, can you? Every once in a while, I like a nice candy bar. So sue me – I get cravings. I admit it. I mean, I love broccoli, but I don’t get the urge to run right out and buy a stalk because it is just so irresistible.
I did some research about “healthy diets,” mainly because I felt that this blog entry wasn’t long enough, and I needed a few more jokes. What I found was eye-opening, and lucky you, I am going to share what I found.
I was shocked to see that I had gotten the 5 basic food groups all wrong. Here is what I used to think they were:
1. Fruits and Vegetables – This group includes Fruit Loops, Corn Pops, ketchup, carrot cake, and Skittles. A person needs to eat 3 to 5 of these each day.
2. Protein – This is your basic “meat” group, and it includes bacon and Slim Jim’s. Sub sandwiches and burgers also fall into this category. Do you want fries with that?
3. Cakes, Cookies, and Pies – A crossover group because most pies contain fruit, this category is often called the “dessert group,” as opposed to the “desert group,” which is what your friends will do to you if you eat all their pie.
4. Pizza – Also know as the “entre” or “main course,” pizza has been around for ages. The Roman army used it as a staple for its troops to keep them bulked up and ready for the pasta course.
5. Fritos – Morning, noon and night, Fritos are the best. (Hint: try to avoid eating them in the shower – after a while, they do get soggy).
As you can plainly see, I made a few mistakes in my thinking. I forgot to include eggs. I will do some added research and get back to you on that as well. And, to answer my question as to why I can’t lose weight, the fact is: I can. But if I had written that at the beginning, you would never had read this in the first place, would you? See, I’m not as dumb as I look – only about half as dumb.