Use It or Lose It
It’s about time. I knew this day was coming. The doctors are removing the rest of my brain. I am not sure of the exact medical details; but I think it’s being replaced by a hamster on a wheel and will work like the contraptions you see on The Little Rascals. Isn’t modern medicine wonderful!
This all started around the time when I had my last brain scan (see photo at right, click to enlarge for jokes). I had been having chronic pain and migraine attacks, so the doctors decided to have a peek inside to see what was going on. They didn’t find much. The word “idiot” was kicked around, but I didn’t like that. “Imbecil” also sounded demeaning. I decided to go with “crazy” because that sounded like more fun (and it is).
A Picture is Worth 1000 Words
They showed me the picture of what was inside my head, and I thought it looked pretty. But the doctors felt that there is no room in the world for pretty, and that everything must have a function other than how it looks. I disagreed, and that’s when they became belligerent. I also pointed out to them that, since I knew big words like belligerent and luminary (a word that I keep in reserve for just such occasions) that my brain, did, indeed have a use. Then they asked me if I had insurance, and that was that. I am scheduled for surgery tomorrow.
I have to admit, I’m a little scared. The tools on the counter looked creepy, and there was a guy in the waiting room who I swear was green. But I didn’t hear any screams, so I guess it will be okay.
I mean, I do want to get better. I do want all these headaches to stop. So, it’s worth the risk – right?
What’s the worst that can happen? Can a person get dumber? I’m not sure. Isn’t “dumb” an all-or-nothing word? Are there degrees of dumbness?
Maybe I would rather not find out.
I do know one thing, however. I know exactly what they will find when they get in there for a really detailed look. I mean, it’s obvious isn’t it? (see right).
How could my head NOT be filled with these things? I just hope they keep their hands off. I was saving them for later. The onion dip, too.
The Inevitable List
Here are some of the fun things about hospital procedures in general:
* When I get home, I can watch any TV show I want. I don’t have to sit through “Grey’s Anatomy” anymore.
* Women dig guys with scars.
* I won’t have to cook until I am better.
* Those sexy hospitals gowns always make my legs look great.
* Fritos! Fritos! And more Fritos!
* I can sleep as late as I want and nobody will complain.
* If I make a sad puppy dog face, maybe the nurse will give me a massage!
* If people think I am crazy, I can get away with acting any way I want.
* I get all the Band-Aids I want!