Brain Surgery

Use It or Lose It

It’s about time.  I knew this day was coming. The doctors are removing the rest of my brain.  I am not sure of the exact medical details; but I think it’s being replaced by a hamster on a wheel and will work like the contraptions you see on The Little Rascals. Isn’t modern medicine wonderful!

Backtracking

Joe Brain

This all started around the time when I had my last brain scan (see photo at right, click to enlarge for jokes).  I had been having chronic pain and migraine attacks, so the doctors decided to have a peek inside to see what was going on.  They didn’t find much.  The word “idiot” was kicked around, but I didn’t like that. “Imbecil” also sounded demeaning.  I decided to go with “crazy” because that sounded like more fun (and it is).

 

A Picture is Worth 1000 Words

Brain 4

They showed me the picture of what was inside my head, and I thought it looked pretty.  But the doctors felt that there is no room in the world for pretty, and that everything must have a function other than how it looks.  I disagreed, and that’s when they became belligerent. I also pointed out to them that, since I knew big words like belligerent and luminary (a word that I keep in reserve for just such occasions) that my brain, did, indeed have a use.  Then they asked me if I had insurance, and that was that. I am scheduled for surgery tomorrow.

Jitters

Brain 1            Brain 2

I have to admit, I’m a little scared.  The tools on the counter looked creepy, and there was a guy in the waiting room who I swear was green.  But I didn’t hear any screams, so I guess it will be okay.

Brain 3

I mean, I do want to get better.  I do want all these headaches to stop.  So, it’s worth the risk – right?

What’s the worst that can happen? Can a person get dumber?  I’m not sure.  Isn’t “dumb” an all-or-nothing word?  Are there degrees of dumbness?

Maybe I would rather not find out.

 

Bowl of Fritos

I do know one thing, however.  I know exactly what they will find when they get in there for a really detailed look.  I mean, it’s obvious isn’t it? (see right).

How could my head NOT be filled with these things?  I just hope they keep their hands off.   I was saving them for later. The onion dip, too.

 

The Inevitable List

Here are some of the fun things about hospital procedures in general:

* When I get home, I can watch any TV show I want.  I don’t have to sit through “Grey’s Anatomy” anymore.

* Women dig guys with scars.

* I won’t have to cook until I am better.

* Those sexy hospitals gowns always make my legs look great.

* Fritos!  Fritos! And more Fritos!

* I can sleep as late as I want and nobody will complain.

* If I make a sad puppy dog face, maybe the nurse will give me a massage!

* If people think I am crazy, I can get away with acting any way I want.

* I get all the Band-Aids I want!

SMILE!

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About Joe

Freelance designer and writer whose goal is to help others by writing about my experiences with fear and anxiety (agoraphobia), health struggles (cancer) and my wonderfully-happy life as a husband and stay-at-home dad. I want to empower everyone to have a happy life.

4 responses »

  1. Colleen says:

    Wow you’ll do just about anything to get out of mowing the lawn — won’t you?! I hope you get many Get Well Bags of Fritos. 😀

  2. Maggie/Tumbleweed says:

    I need to know where to send the Fritos? Home—Hospital—-Institution—–??

  3. Sarah says:

    Best wishes for a good outcome and a speedy recovery. 🙂

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