Who doesn’t like a party? Come to think of it, a lot of people, so forget I asked. Instead we will jump right into today’s topic, which is: I wish I had a topic for today.
I have had a lot of free time on my hands in the past 20 minutes, so I decided to hire a crack staff of investigative reporters to do some research for me. What they found was eye-opening, staggering, and mind-boggling. And if you have ever had your mind boggled, you know how painful that can be. That’s why I decided to shred everything they uncovered and go with this instead. Today we are going to talk about (actually: I talk, you listen):
Obscure Holidays that are Lots of Fun!
Named after its founder, Calvin Klein, the underwear mogul with the big ego, Kleinalia is also known as “Swap Underwear with a Stranger Day.” At first, I thought I had vague recollections of this holiday during my college days, but I was wrong. That was just a party at a frat house. This holiday was first celebrated a few years after that (though I doubt it could ever top what I experienced.)
Kleinalia is celebrated the first Saturday in May, and is promptly succeeded by “Cooties Day” and “Quick, Get to the Doctor’s for a Shot Day,” all of which take place in May around finals week.
Also known as “Toe Appreciation Day,” Digatoe celebrates the uniqueness and value of our tender tootsies, those neglected and underappreciated digits that we rely upon on a daily basis. Celebratory bashes are held in parks and stadiums across the land, the biggest in New Orleans where prizes are awarded for the best-looking and most creatively-decorated toes.
The newest holiday to sweep our nation is Smurfaween, a perfect day for a country that revels in the glorious diversity that is America. Smurfaween pays tribute to those of blue skin tone. Celebrated in mid-August (because it was the only month without a holiday), Smurfaween festivals are held outdoors, traditionally in open fields, where those of cobalt hue gather to eat s’mores and listen to the music of B.B. King.
Meringapoo is the day that people of all ethnic backgrounds gather to sit in pie. First held in 1978 as a collaboration between Proctor and Gamble and the National Pumpkin Growers Association, Meringapoo got its start on the farms of the southeastern United States. It soon spread nationwide, because after all, nothing feels better after a hard day of work than to sit mushed fruit in a crispy crust. During the 90’s the holiday was expanded to include other fruits, meats, vegetables, banana and chocolate cream and pizza . Meringapoo is held on a Sunday, because most people do laundry on Monday.
Freezon is the national holiday where we pay homage to the old saying that everyone’s mother used to scold them, “If you make that face, it will freeze like that.” Mom was right, and we have proof. Every April 11th, sufferers of Frozen Face Syndrome (above) are escorted down Hollywood Boulevard in an elaborate parade, after which they are the guests of honor at the Freezon Telethon, hosted by Jim Carrey. (Donations are tax-deductible).
Sklip is the holiday that celebrates those who would go to any length to get noticed, those whom society has ignored. On Sklip, no one is overlooked, because it’s impossible to ignore people when they do creative things such as the “Nostril-Eye GPS System” (invented by Benjamin “The Brain Trauma Guy” Dortmunder (right) in a fit of frustration.
Inspired by “Stupid Human Tricks,” but ratcheted way up for excitement, Sklip festivals have begun to overtake Halloween parties in popularity, which is quite impressive because the wearing of masks and/or costumes is expressly forbidden on Sklip. Parties run from sunup to sundown, commencing with the traditional “stupid dance,” and ending with the taking of the group selfie. Say “cheese!”
Fuzzter celebrates those cuter-than-cute, ever-so-adorable creatures that simply steal our hearts away. It was designed to be a way to say thank you to those animals that are prohibited as house pets.Check your local listings for the time and date of a Fuzzter Festival near you (rabies shots not included).
Schnozzimas celebrates the proboscis, the much-maligned facial feature that is both functional and decorative. Think about it: how would we ever be able to wear cool sunglasses without our noses? It kind of makes you think, doesn’t it? On Schnozzimas, we pay tribute to long-nosed Americans such as Thomas Jefferson (above left) and Jimmy Durante (picture unavailable due to copyright restrictions). Also on Schnozzimas is the lighting of the Schnozz, a 100-foot nose which is displayed in Rockefeller Center (8:00 pm on NBC, hosted by Al Roker and Swooze Kurtz). At home, Schnozz parties serve hot meat and fried snacks, adorned with Schnozz salt from a Scnozz dispenser ($29.95 @ Pier 1 Imports).
Held on the first weekend in July, Fritopius is the holiday that features endless vats of food, all containing Fritos. I especially enjoy this holiday, as I have made a deal with officials to have all the leftovers shipped to my house. Enjoy – but not too much! I’m hungry.
Also known as “National Idiot Day,” Boobella has replaced the president’s traditional State of the Union Address with a day of foolish fun and games. Favorites can be seen above, such as the “eye-bulging contest,” “drinking water through the nose,” and “letting a monkey bite your ear.” Prizes and Band-aids are awarded to survivors.
Later in the evening – at the time when the address would normally take place – the country comes together as a whole to take the “National Idiot Test.” Results are then shared on social media, the winner being declared as victorious in the upcoming Iowa caucuses, thereby streamlining the democratic process in a fun-for-all way!