Rise and Fall
It’s that time of year again: our TV sets are filled with endless corpses, happy prison hijinks, dysfunctional families, and murder. And that can only mean one thing: the new television season is upon us. Is your mouth watering yet?
Networks have offered us a smorgasbord of programs from which to choose our favorites – just perfect for settling into those upcoming long winter nights, snug in our sleeved blankets, grabbing snacks from the fridges located in our sofas. What could be better?
While some of us may be of the opinion that the state of television is not quite up to what it used to be, I would maintain, that things could be even worse. Consider if you will, the following list of shows that were rejected from this season’s fall roster. Then be thankful for what we have. Here goes…
American Ninja Cats
Filmed on location from various breathtaking national parks across our country, this reality program pits ordinary house cats (felis domesticus) against each other in a round robin competition. The winner is awarded a starring role beside Jackie Chan in his upcoming movie, “Paws of Fury,” and a lifetime supply of Purina Cat Chow.
Life With Grandpa
What happens to six-year old Bobby when Mom and Dad are too busy pursuing busy careers to care? Enter Grandpa, who is removed from his residency at the Sunnydale Home for the Permanently Ornery and asked to become a full-time caregiver.Join us each week as the fun ensues. In Episode 1, Gramps teaches Bobby how to spit and pretend to care about people.
You Will Buy This
The fine people at HSN (Hypnosis Shopping Network) have given new meaning to the phrase “I gotta have it” by employing hypnotherapy in their product ads. Before logging in to watch the show, viewers are instructed to spend a few minutes with a licensed hypnotist before being shown endless streams of complete garbage, all available for purchase either on the spot, or in four easy-to-pay installments. When a buyer completely drains all the funds in their life savings, they are snapped out of it – until they have some more money.
Baby Wrestling Federation
The Spike Network has rolled out this beauty, where toddlers between the ages of 9 and 24 months are given performance enhancing drugs and told to compete for binkies. Winners get a change of diapers and a nap.
The Adventures of Frito Man
Ed Flern (left) stars as Frito Man, our latest superhero. Blessed with the power to produce endless streams of Frito corn chips from his mouth (as the result of an industrial accident at the processing plant) Frito Man has the ability to bloat bad guys, rendering them unable to commit crimes because of lethargy and greasy fingers that cannot hold a weapon. Frito Man can be found in Minneapolis, where each week he rids the streets of crime. When not there, he can be found at my house, especially if I am watching sports.
Sargent Goofball, Royal Army
A BBC export, “Sargent Goofball, Royal Army” follows the antics of Reginald McNostril (right), the only man ever kicked off Her Majesty’s Secret Service for making whoopee cushion noises whenever the Queen took her place on the throne. He is also the only man to make the Palace Guards chuckle. His current job is cleaning up after the Royal Horses at the end of parades. This is a sure formula for fun!
Join Host Suzanne Somers in the Animal Planet mini-series that examines the lives of pet lovers who have gone one step too far in trying to humanize their beloved animal friends. Episodes include undercover looks at: kitty cosmetic surgery, doggy implants, and monkey makeup. The show’s sponsor is Victoria’s Secret.
Join loveable pooch mechanic Rollie as he get caught up in the most hilarious predicaments each week while employed as a New York City building superintendent on the upper east side. Laugh out loud as the tenants try to organize a rent strike because of the lack of hot water, while our star is stuck with his tail in the hot water tank. (This show is still pending approval from PETA before airing).
Cooking with Timmy
The Food Network has produced this latest gem. “Cooking with Timmy” stars Timmy Rossiter, real-life one-year-old, who couldn’t tell a spatula from a pacifier, and could care less. Each week, Timmy throws together new recipes by actually throwing them together, after which a member of the studio audience is invited to sample the dish at their own risk.
“Cooking with Timmy” is the only cooking show hosted by a chef who is not potty-trained, and features the audiences’ catch-phrase, “What’s that smell!”
I Hid the Cheese
The people at the National Geographic Network have launched their first game show ever. The premise of the show is to give animals a block of cheese, and then have animal behavioral experts try to find it – all while blindfolded in the wild. This show was on hiatus after 3 episodes while the cast recuperated in hospital.
Enjoy what we’ve got – it ain’t gonna get better.