Here’s some shocking news: I am old.
I say this as a matter of fact. It has been scientifically proven that if you orbit the sun enough times, you will be classified as old. I do not look at this as a bad thing, despite what the makers of all those anti-aging products would have you believe. I look at it as an achievement. Life is not easy, and I have survived this far. I deserve an award.
Speaking of awards (see how I cleverly worked that in), the Academy Awards are about to be given out again. I used to look forward to this event; but over the years, my feelings about it have changed. I think it’s worth looking into why.
I can remember when Johnny Carson used to emcee the event. I was a boy, and it took a bit of persuading to get my parents to allow me to stay up that late. That is one of the reasons why I saved up to buy my own little black and white set for my bedroom. I could sneak watching TV if I kept the volume low. (The cat is out of the bag.)
Back then, the show seemed more exciting and the stars bigger. Maybe it’s because we didn’t hear about them every day in tabloids, entertainment shows, news programs and social media. There is something to be said about mystery. There is a certain aura about it. Over-familiarity often brings with it boredom.
There are other reasons why (to me) the show has lost its panache. If you like the word panache, I will try to use others like it to keep you excited. Here is a brief list of why I don’t want to watch the Oscars being handed out anymore:
TOP 10 REASONS WHY I DON’T CARE TO WATCH THE OSCARS
- Everyone is a genius. Over the course of the evening, the words “genius” will be tossed about like a Frisbee in a tornado. This director is a genius. That actress is a genius. The guy who delivered cronuts to the set was a genius. For me, a genius is somebody like DaVinci or Edison. In entertainment, geniuses don’t come along that often. Charlie Chaplin was a genius.
- The beauty hypocrisy. Be prepared to watch as the actresses who complain about being judged solely by their looks, will vigorously compete for the honor of being named the most beautiful woman at the event. Some will strip down to barely-legal outfits in order to “rule the red carpet.” It’s too bad that they feel like they have to do this. We should stop judging them by how they look. They were right in the first place.
- Déjà vu all over again. Producers will pat each other on the backs for coming up with brilliant ideas for movie plots, when often we are fed nothing more than sequels and movies made from old TV shows. The Flintstones, The Beverly Hillbillies, George of the Jungle, Scooby Doo, and many others have made it to the big screen to join such classics as Rocky 6 and Fast and Furious 9. Personally, I am waiting for Dude, Where’s My Car 12 to come out. An instant classic, for sure!
- Irony and confusion: How come they give the lifetime achievement award to someone who is still alive? Their life isn’t over yet. They still have time to mess up. Maybe they should call this the “life so far” achievement award. But then again, I may just be a stickler for accuracy, and the world is an inaccurate place.
- Hunger: I always run out of popcorn about 3 hours into the show and am too lazy to pop some more. (Yes, I am old school and make kettle corn in a huge pot.)
- Boredom: I start drifting into a boredom-induced stupor after 90 minutes because they feel compelled to list every award given out – and give the recipients air time to make their acceptance speech. As a result, we get to hear an 8-minute speech from the guy from Poland who won the award for “Best Foreign Short Documentary” about the history of cheese. Later on, they cut short the Best Director speech because the Chia Pet infomercial is due to air.
- Empathy: Stars show up in chauffeur-driven limos wearing half a million dollars’ worth of designer clothes and jewelry to later lecture us about how tough life is.
- Length. I fall into a deep sleep a half hour before the end where they cram the top 5 awards into the last 30 minutes of the show.
- Excitement: Nobody ever has a wardrobe malfunction anymore.
- Nostalgia: I miss Billy Crystal!